Celebrity Portraits

tom hanks

The consummate ‘everyman’ of modern American cinema, so identifiable has Hanks become to the everyday man on the street that by the time he came to film blockbuster smash ‘The Da Vinci Codes’ he had ceased to exist as any kind of individual self and so transmogrified into a pure spirit form of universal consciousness, his ghostly torso wafting through the Hollywood Hills seeking new corporeal shells to inhabit.

In a coup for our studios, his supernatural essence was captured perfectly in this stunning rendition, mere seconds before Ghost-Hanks, in the guise of much-loved disabled hick Forrest Gump, seeped into the body of famously uptight tinseltown liberal Sean Penn at a rally for deprived inner-city onion farmers, compelling him to slur his carefully prepared speechlike a low-grade moron before sprinting meaninglessly into the distance across the nearest football field.

russell crowe

Beware low-flying telephones! We present for your delectation fiery antipodean beefcake Russell Crowe, captured here in rough ‘n’ ready meathead mode on the set of his new self-financed follow-up to personal career peak Gladiator, currently in production on his own ranch on the side of Ayers Rock.

With a script also penned by the notoriously aggro prone Aussie, the plot sees hero of the original Marcellus Deciduous Maximus Abacus reincarnated from some DNA found glued to a lion’s paw dug up in a dystopian post-apocalyptic outback 6000 years in the future, a setting in which scant survivors engage in bare-knuckle combat against fearsome mutated beasts in order to win a ham roll and a two-finger KitKat with only one finger.

With tight budgetary constraints precluding the use of expensive special effects, director Crowe bred the future-beasts on his own farmland. Named ‘the Unihorn’ and created by forcing a rhinoceros to mate with a miniature pony at gunpoint, the creatures have already been dubbed ’sick’ and ‘an abomination of nature’ by animal rights hysterics.The climactic scene of the movie is rumoured to be a cinematic tour-de-force; a relentlessly unpleasant montage of Crowe punching the animals in the face for 3 full hours and screaming, filmed from a seemingly infinite array of camera angles, each more disorientating than the last.

‘Gladiator 2: Abomination of Nature’ is due to clatter into a bargain bin near you sometime in ‘the fall’.

george clooney

One of our top sellers, it’s ladies favourite Gorgeous George as you’ve never seen him before. Always keen to offer something our competitors can’t, we thought; what is it that makes George so attractive, and of course, it’s the distinctive greying temples that give him such a sophisticated air.

With this in mind, we used the latest computer software to age him 10 years, thus making him even more irrestistable, as the result surely testifies.
This unique, ‘distressed’ effect Clooney is exclusive to our studios so be sure to get your order in quick.

john travolta

Here he comes, shuffling across the dancefloor like a pissed-up uncle at a wedding, It’s Eighties turkey magnet John Travolta. Finally back in the limelight having shed 24 stone following a workout programme involving up to 8 hours of intense disco-scientology a day, our charming portrait features the great man typically enthused at a script meeting for his much-hyped and long awaited $500m blockbuster sequel to comically poor sci-fi shit-shower Battlefield Earth.

Amazingly, it sees Travolta reviving his pet ill-advised vanity project as well as reprising the role of evil alien overlord Terl, who this time returns to Earth to battle Ben Affleck, who plays an arsehole.

pierce brosnan

The name’s Brosnan…Pierce Brosnan. Yes, it certainly is. Men want be him, women want to bed him, and here he is, resplendent in all his suave dappery for your pleasure. You can tell by the glint in his eye, this is a man on a mission, a mission to leave you both shaken, and stirred!

Be quick as rumour has it that after being dumped as Bond for being creaky, Pierce himself swooped to snap up several of these incredible likenesses for his friends and family, and as a result supply is limited.

kevin spacey

“Hi, I’m Kevin. I haven’t been in London very long and am hoping to meet some new people, for friendship, going out, and hey, who knows, perhaps more! My interests include the theatre, late night dog walking and buggery. ”

“So you can get an idea of what I look like, I commissioned my good friends at Celebrity Portraits to come up with a picture of me looking smart at this year’s Oscar ceremony, and I must say, I’m pretty fucking pleased with it. Anyway, looking forward to hearing from you.”

clunt eastwood

“It’s your lucky day, punk”. So went the catchphrase of this legendary star, and it certainly will be yours when this exquisite portrayal of one of Hollywood’s most enduring icon stakes pride of place in your home.

So instantly recognisable as the granite-faced hardman of cinema with his steely gaze and grim expression, this is one mean mother you definitely wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley with his magnum cocked and ready for action.

david schwimmer

Hold on to your hats ladies, it’s handsome grease-monkey David Schwimmer with his hypnotic eyes like swirling pools of faeces. If whispers on the Hollywood grapevine are to be believed, the hunk is an eligible bachelor once more, having split from most recent conquest Su Pollard over musical differences.

After a string of high-profile romances with some of the world’s most beautiful women, including TV super-chef Rusty Lee, Golden Girl Estelle Getty and all seven Nolan sisters, David is said to be keen to find that one special lady to share his secret caveside lair on the Isle of Wight. Until the real thing comes calling, you can imagine exactly what that must be like by purchasing one, of even several of our portraits, allowing you to experience Dreamboat Dave in every room of the house.

sean connery

Even at the tail end of a career that has spanned nearly eight decades, ‘Sir’ Sean still regularly tops World’s Sexiest Man polls, and in this breathtaking study it’s easy to see why.

Caught in typically cantankerous mood, it’s quite possible to imagine the fiery Scot delivering one of his trademark rants in support of the independence of his beloved homeland, a stance he resolutely maintains from his luxury beachfront home in Barbados.

tom cruise

Few could have been surprised when the supposed offspring of Tom and Katie’s happy union, Suri Cruise, was recently revealed to be nothing more than an animatronic doll thrown together in a desperate attempt to wrongfoot the slavering paparazzi hordes. After all, Tom had only debuted his new cybernetic eye, glimmering so eerily inour exclusive picture, during his triumphant return to the Oprah show, mere months before the child’s ‘birth’.

Ironically, the loss of his original peeper was incurred as a result of an over-exuberant bout of sofa surfing with his good buddy Steven Spielberg, whose suggestion it was to use the same robotics wizards employed on his 1971 smash hit ‘E.T.’ to create the child from some leftover pistons, gears and latex.

Contolled by an infra-red beam emitted by Tom’s occular implant, the cat was let out of the bag when the ‘Impossible Mission’ star’s gaze was distracted from the infant during a press conference called to celebrate the child’s presentation to the media, little clockwork Suri crawling into a wall before performing a back flip and travelling back in the direction whence she’d came, yapping away like a cheap toy.