Celebrity Portraits

simon fucking cowell

Boo! Hiss! It’s TV’s self-styled Mr. Nasty, wriggling with glee as another hapless foghorn is crushed by one of his trademark withering putdowns. On this happy ocassion his victim was 17-year-old checkout worker Becky Coalminer from Hull, whose atonal honking of Tina Turner’s ‘Simply the Best’ prompted such hooting derision from the expert panel that she literally cried herself to death from dehydration.

It was a particularly satisfying moment for Cowell, her fluids finally filling to capacity the olympic sized swimming pool of fallen contestants’ tears which occupies pride of place on the 1000-metre airship he uses to travel the shortest distances – even to the toilet.

elton john

dear itv, can i just say how much i enjoyed yr extensive coverage of elton john’s 75th birthday celebrations, here is a picture i took of my telly to mark the occasion it’s just a pity i had such a bad reception that night

mick jagger

A shining beacon of endurance to coffin dodging greed merchants the world over, Mick just keeps on rocking year after year, tour after tour, largely due to a pioneering operation to replace his entire musculatory system with elastic performed by Dr. Hook in 1979, a procedure so successful and potentially lucrative that Jagger bought the exclusive rights and has hoarded them in his underground tightwad vault ever since, alongside the cure for syphillis, the secret entrance to the lost city of Atlantis and the ark of the Covenant.

Miserly Mick is beautifully depicted here at a moment of inspiration, as he realises that by utilising his hot water bottle as a makeshift griddle he can cheaply if excrutiatingly slowly fry a nest-poached egg on the reverse, which when combined with tiny mushrooms grown in his facial skin folds and some streaky bacon stolen from Keith Richards combine to create a virtually cost-free breakfast.

george michael

A look of wry amusement seems to play across the features of the stubbled crooner as he makes good on his promise to give our surprised artist ‘an eyeful of prime George’ in this sensational etching made on location in one of his favourite public toilet blocks.

Certainly the megastar seemed to be in high spirits as he drove away, head lolling cheerfully from one side to another before veering his top of the range hatchback into a field of startled bovines.

the gallagher brothers

Save precious wall space by taking advantage of this once in a lifetime, never to be repeated opportunity to own not one, but TWO Gallagher brothers in the same 100% authentic rock portrait.

Executed in true ‘action painting’ style at breakneck speed by our most pnueumatically-wristed artist, Chester Funkbag, as the indeterminate Gallagher punched him to the floor and smashed his easel, this memorable image was captured outside the prestigious National Breakfast Awards, where the Manchester rocker had just presented an innovation gong to psychic-paranormalist Derek Acorah for his pioneering works in the field of ‘ghost toast’.

elvis presley

countess madonna ciccone-richie of the manor

Legendary for her chameleonic image changes and fickle appropriation of daft celebrity religions, the capricious chanteuse remains as enigmatic as ever. Whore in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom but never yet an actress on a film set, Madge both illuminates and challenges our perception of established gender roles as she switches from well-bred country horse-crasher to common everyday fishwife with astonishing ease.

Perhaps the secret of her continued success is just that; her postmodern ability to manipulate the cultural schism between traditional and contemporary paradigms of male sexual fantasy counterpointing the conflict between outward manifestations of the feminist imperative and the eternal inner dialectic of art versus commerce. Or perhaps it’s the possibilty she’ll pop her baps out again.