Who could have guessed that the heart-stoppingly dull stream of arduous banter and slavish repetition of clichés we've come to expect from ITV pundit and all-round ass Andy Townsend are in fact a carefully constructed smokescreen, concocted by the demonic midfield plodder to mask his true identity as the direct descendant of Nosferatu, exclusively revealed for the first time right here in our sensational portrait?
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"Now listen here. I'm a busy man. Far too busy to be sat here taking to an idiot like you. After all, I've got an empire to run. Empires don't build and and then run themselves you know. Oh, no. I remember when I was just a humble market trader, knocking out substandard electronics products whilst wearing an ill-fitting suit and repeating a lame catchphrase ad nauseum into what seemed like infinity. In fact, it seems like yesterday. But I digress."
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