Archived entries for Screen Sirens

natalie portman

Porcelain skinned ingenue Natalie is captured here in playful mood as our artist is granted rare access to the young actress at home in her glamourous 2-bed flat in exclusive South Croydon.

Clearly not bothered to put anything decent on, the down-to-earth star reclines on her leather-look sofa with a hearty chuckle, perhaps enjoying an hilarious episode of ‘The Lenny Henry Show’ on her top of the range 14inch colour tv, or maybe having just let rip with a particularly pungent anal emission. Oh, how the other half live!

kim cattrall

Former ‘Sex in the City’ star Kim denies that her highly lucrative man-eating role in the smash hit show made her look a bit like a crusty old slapper, preferring instead to emphasise how gender empowering such strong female roles can be for women after so many years of the kind of sexual objectification she is now happy to perpetuate towards the male population, as if desperately whoring about like a nymphomaniacal banshee is the pinnacle of feminist ambition.

You go, girl!

elizabeth hurley

Actress, model, showbiz arm-candy; noble pursuits all, and in each of these illustrious and demanding fields the versatile Liz Hurley has proved herself immensely capable of standing in front of a camera. Of course, for many of us, her iconic appearance in THAT Versace dress has become a defining image of these hollow-souled, hopelessly despairing times, emotions she expertly evokes every time she graces the silver screen.

Witness in our incredible portrait a moment of unnatural joy for the ageing clothes horse as the designer of that infamous garment, Gianni Versace, is reanimated by Hugh Grant chanting an ancient incantation found on the label of a 16th-century cheesecloth poncho by Moschino, his corpse twitching back to life in order to run up a ‘lamb effect’ cocktail dress which is actually cleverly assembled from paperclips and plain, ordinary mutton.

scarlett johansson

As one of the most beautiful young women in Tinseltown, starlet Scarlett’s meteoric rise to fame has seen her become one of the most sought after advertising puppets on the planet. Having lent her effortless cool to countless products and services, such is her critical cachet that Scarlett landed the hottest gig in town as the new face of Findus Crispy Pancakes, having beat nearest rival Paris Hilton into the ground with a sledgehammer, followed by a breezeblock to the head just to make sure.

Radiant and clearly overjoyed, our portrait depicts the momentous press conference at which Scarlett unveiled two new flavours of pancake to a stunned world; Liver ‘n’ Lime, and Crabapple Melt.

lindsay lohan

Oops! Lohan was caught snacking at the wheel in the ‘fall’ of 2007 after smashing her top of the range Chevy Pink Cadillac into the rear bumper of a hard-up Hollywood-dwelling artist, who it was rumoured, had been spotted on numerous occasions furiously sketching a nude Lohan from a secret hidey hole in her luxurious walk-in bathroom.

After a tense stand-off came to an end at a local service station where a crazed Lohan was said to have devoured a entire month’s stock of an unnamed spherical breadcrumb convenience food right in front of terrified staff, she was brought in for questioning where our artist captured this moving rendition of the fallen child star at her lowest ebb – which you can now own at a bargain price as a handy conversation starter at your next dinner party, bar-mitzvah or ritual sacrifice.

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