Celebrity Portraits

phil mitchell

One of England’s best loved soap actors, Phil Mitchell’s journey from the laboratory to the glamourous cobbles of Coronation Street was an unlikely one. An initially promising career as gifted but maverick genetic scientist came to an abrupt end when Mitchell controversially spliced his own DNA with that of the humble garden spud, in the ultimately mistaken belief that world hunger could be alleviated by endowing himself with the ability to shit potatoes.

Results were somewhat mixed. Destitute after being laughed out of the scientific community, Mitchell was reduced to gnawing on his own deep-fried toes for sustenance, explaining why he looks so out of breath after running mere inches. Fortuitously this was exactly the look required by casting agents for the character of dim-witted mechanic Cockney Spanner, and thus a television legend was born.

charlotte church

It’s the fallen voice of an angel in familiar pose, tottering gracelessly out the back door of a Cardiff nightclub in a vain effort to avoid our artist, who was subsequently threatened with a stiletto heel before being showered with vomit. Early forensic evidence suggests a composition of approximately 70% Thunderbird to 28% Taboo, with trace elements of Pernod, meths and kebab.

noel edmonds

Television just wasn’t the same since the bearded maverick disappeared from our screens in the late Nineties – in fact it was immeasurably, unarguably better. Nevertheless, great fanfare greeted his comeback recently with the revolutionary ‘Meal or No Meal’, in which Noel competes every afternoon against arch-nemesis Mr. Blobby to see who can kick a tramp in the face long enough before their specially trained hobo collapses unconscious.

The vagrant remaining aware of the oppressive gloom of the oddly minimalist studio around him the longest receives a slap-up one course meal and a warm bed for the night in a local hostel of their choice, whilst the comatose loser is uncermoniously (and hilariously!) coated in ‘gunge’, rolled up in a carpet and flung in the canal, where lucky audience members are invited to hurl rocks at him from Edmonds’ own after-show party boat, custom made with a pauper catapult mounted on the stern.

Renowned for the breathtaking topiary around his Crinkley Bottom mansion, local rseidents were angered recently by the addition of a new centrepiece to the grounds consisting of a 20-storey holly bush carved into the shape of his own head. Thus Noel’s only friend is a mysterious and shadowy landscape gardener whom he telephones during every show for no reason other than loneliness. In our portrait, the forlorn presenter receives the heartbreaking news that some no good punk kids are defecating into the beard section of his leafy masterpiece and filming the results on their mobile phones.

trinny and susannah

Having outstayed their welcome with television audiences across the country, the two headed fashion gorgon that is Trinny and Susannah recently followed in the hallowed footsteps of Lenny Henry by decamping to another continent less prepared for their indefensibly shallow antics.

Pictured above live from Chad, the pair have decided to seek inspiration from “the original pioneers of boho-rag chic” across the famine stricken regions covered by ‘Trinny and Susannah’s African Safari’, a special show to be broadcast on Christmas Day, around turkey-time.

“I’d just die to know how they all stay so thin” screeched Sussanah while poking a local in the ribs with a stick, with Trinny adding “Well, you are what you eat” whilst scarfing down a handful of limp shrivelled horsemeat dressed in a Dolce and Gabbana lettuce poncho.

jo brand

Globular funny girl Jo has been tickling the nation’s funnybone for nearly 70 years after bursting into the spotlight as ‘OOH, Matron!’ in the madcap ‘Carry on Nurse’ series of classic British comedies. Refining her natural comic skills for the controversial stand-up scene of the Eighties, we see here the comedienne’s trademark withering glare whilst delivering a signature caustic monologue on the subect of, pffff, I dunno, cakes or something.

Seeking greater respect as an artist, later forays into serious drama culminated in the recent three part thriller ‘Fork Knifes Spoon’ for ITV, featuring Jo as a hard-bitten detective with a shadowy past investigating the shocking disappearance of a diamond encrusted fish pie and framed for eating the evidence by spherical culprit Dawn French. It was a ratings disaster.

carol smillie m.b.e.

With the widest oral diamater in showbiz, this glowing depiction of Carol can be relied upon to enliven the dreariest office or ‘utility room’. Beginning her career as junior set designer on baffling 80s animation ‘Mysterious Cities of Gold’, the relentlessly superhuman chirpiness of this bonny lass proved ideal as a thin veneer of sunshine smeared across a relentless slew of generic futile makeover shows throughout the Nineties.

Branching out into acting, Carol paid her dues serving as understudy to Jar-Jar Binks on the Star Wars prequel trilogy before recently making her debut appearance as herself in Bulgaria’s top soap opera, ‘Glove Puppet Road’.

sir alan sugar, m.b.e., c.e.o., chairman of the board, company president, global commander, ruler of earth

“Now listen here. I’m a busy man. Far too busy to be sat here taking to an idiot like you. After all, I’ve got an empire to run. Empires don’t build and and then run themselves you know. Oh, no. I remember when I was just a humble market trader, knocking out substandard electronics products whilst wearing an ill-fitting suit and repeating a lame catchphrase ad nauseum into what seemed like infinity. In fact, it seems like yesterday. But I digress.”

“I don’t like bullshitters. I don’t like time-wasters, I don’t like people who can’t make the big decisions, when and where it matters, not if you want to be sitting in the big chair, the big cheese, the head honcho, the top dog, the dog’s bollocks. I don’t like ZX Spectrums that catch fire when you attempt to load a game into them from tape at excruciating length, although I was very happy to sell them. You’ve got to be tough to survive in the cut-throat business world I tell you, because it’s dog eat dog, every man for himself, one man and his dog. Mmm…yes, that’s right.”

sharon osbourne

It was no surprise X-Factor producers deemed super-mum Sharon to be worthy of a chair on the panel of pop experts; after all, this is the woman who has guided husband Ozzy’s career for the last several deacdes, and look what a shimmering example of musical excellence that has proved to be.

Stretching both plausability and public goodwill in her role as a cheerleader for budget supermarkets, Sharon is seeking to test our tolerance still further this year with her acting debut as Zelda in the eagerly anticipated live action re-imagining of kiddies favourite ‘Terrahawks’.

Expected to be one of the hottest action blockbusters of the summer and with lavish costumes to be provided by George at Asda, the all-action extravaganza is the directorial debut of Tony the Frosties Tiger, and early test screenings suggest it’s shaping up to be “Grrrrrrrrrreeaaatt!”, if a little heavy on product placement for tooth dissolving breakfast cereals.

little louis walsh

Last and least, it’s Louis Walsh, the human peanut. This particularly moving portrayal was captured backstage by our artist at the prestigious annual awards ceremony of ‘TV Quank’, Bolivia’s top selling television listings magazine, in what should have been a glorious moment for the Irish poop impressario as he accepted the gong for ‘Most Replaceable Talent Jamboree Panel Judge (International)’.

Sadly, Walsh had just been handed the tragic news that former protege, Rotund Rik Waller, had been found dead on his kitchen floor, having smashed the window with a frozen leg of lamb to gain entry, and devouring the entire contents of his larder in a single sitting.

The more observant art-lovers among you will have noticed the single tear rolling mournfully around the cheek, although not as one might think in sadness at the demise of his large-boned apprentice, but for the last known jar of hyper-intelligent dodo brains he had hitherto jealously guarded in his pantry and from which he inhaled on a regularly basis, it being the source of his renowned business acumen.

terry wogan

As viewers of the recent retrospective series ‘Wogan’s Golden Telly Memory Barrelscrapings’ will testify, the Irish smoothie was the indisputable king of sycophantic jibber jabber throughout the Eighties. What made this achievement all the more remarkabale is the unflappable tenacity demonstrated by the host in appearing on our screens, sometimes as often as once per evening, despite the theft of his nose in 1984.

Always the model of professionalism, the host soldiered on with the show despite the frequent horrified stares from his clearly uncomfortable guests, and as in Thora Hird’s unforgettably cruel appearance on the chat-man’s sofa, relentless pointing, name calling and guffaws of mocking laughter throughout the duration of the entire programme.

It was to be a happy ending though as whilst searching the internet for some cheap fish food, Wogan happened upon the burgled beak on eBay, in a haul including Sue Barker’s shoulders and what is rumoured to be the cerebral cortex of the late Sir Jimmy Saville, both of which he now plans to implant in one of the prize-winning monster trout bred on his aqua-farm on the outskirts of Dublin, “just to see what happens, really”.