Celebrity Portraits

natalie portman

Porcelain skinned ingenue Natalie is captured here in playful mood as our artist is granted rare access to the young actress at home in her glamourous 2-bed flat in exclusive South Croydon.

Clearly not bothered to put anything decent on, the down-to-earth star reclines on her leather-look sofa with a hearty chuckle, perhaps enjoying an hilarious episode of ‘The Lenny Henry Show’ on her top of the range 14inch colour tv, or maybe having just let rip with a particularly pungent anal emission. Oh, how the other half live!

kim cattrall

Former ‘Sex in the City’ star Kim denies that her highly lucrative man-eating role in the smash hit show made her look a bit like a crusty old slapper, preferring instead to emphasise how gender empowering such strong female roles can be for women after so many years of the kind of sexual objectification she is now happy to perpetuate towards the male population, as if desperately whoring about like a nymphomaniacal banshee is the pinnacle of feminist ambition.

You go, girl!

elizabeth hurley

Actress, model, showbiz arm-candy; noble pursuits all, and in each of these illustrious and demanding fields the versatile Liz Hurley has proved herself immensely capable of standing in front of a camera. Of course, for many of us, her iconic appearance in THAT Versace dress has become a defining image of these hollow-souled, hopelessly despairing times, emotions she expertly evokes every time she graces the silver screen.

Witness in our incredible portrait a moment of unnatural joy for the ageing clothes horse as the designer of that infamous garment, Gianni Versace, is reanimated by Hugh Grant chanting an ancient incantation found on the label of a 16th-century cheesecloth poncho by Moschino, his corpse twitching back to life in order to run up a ‘lamb effect’ cocktail dress which is actually cleverly assembled from paperclips and plain, ordinary mutton.

scarlett johansson

As one of the most beautiful young women in Tinseltown, starlet Scarlett’s meteoric rise to fame has seen her become one of the most sought after advertising puppets on the planet. Having lent her effortless cool to countless products and services, such is her critical cachet that Scarlett landed the hottest gig in town as the new face of Findus Crispy Pancakes, having beat nearest rival Paris Hilton into the ground with a sledgehammer, followed by a breezeblock to the head just to make sure.

Radiant and clearly overjoyed, our portrait depicts the momentous press conference at which Scarlett unveiled two new flavours of pancake to a stunned world; Liver ‘n’ Lime, and Crabapple Melt.

lindsay lohan

Oops! Lohan was caught snacking at the wheel in the ‘fall’ of 2007 after smashing her top of the range Chevy Pink Cadillac into the rear bumper of a hard-up Hollywood-dwelling artist, who it was rumoured, had been spotted on numerous occasions furiously sketching a nude Lohan from a secret hidey hole in her luxurious walk-in bathroom.

After a tense stand-off came to an end at a local service station where a crazed Lohan was said to have devoured a entire month’s stock of an unnamed spherical breadcrumb convenience food right in front of terrified staff, she was brought in for questioning where our artist captured this moving rendition of the fallen child star at her lowest ebb – which you can now own at a bargain price as a handy conversation starter at your next dinner party, bar-mitzvah or ritual sacrifice.

phil mitchell

One of England’s best loved soap actors, Phil Mitchell’s journey from the laboratory to the glamourous cobbles of Coronation Street was an unlikely one. An initially promising career as gifted but maverick genetic scientist came to an abrupt end when Mitchell controversially spliced his own DNA with that of the humble garden spud, in the ultimately mistaken belief that world hunger could be alleviated by endowing himself with the ability to shit potatoes.

Results were somewhat mixed. Destitute after being laughed out of the scientific community, Mitchell was reduced to gnawing on his own deep-fried toes for sustenance, explaining why he looks so out of breath after running mere inches. Fortuitously this was exactly the look required by casting agents for the character of dim-witted mechanic Cockney Spanner, and thus a television legend was born.

charlotte church

It’s the fallen voice of an angel in familiar pose, tottering gracelessly out the back door of a Cardiff nightclub in a vain effort to avoid our artist, who was subsequently threatened with a stiletto heel before being showered with vomit. Early forensic evidence suggests a composition of approximately 70% Thunderbird to 28% Taboo, with trace elements of Pernod, meths and kebab.

noel edmonds

Television just wasn’t the same since the bearded maverick disappeared from our screens in the late Nineties – in fact it was immeasurably, unarguably better. Nevertheless, great fanfare greeted his comeback recently with the revolutionary ‘Meal or No Meal’, in which Noel competes every afternoon against arch-nemesis Mr. Blobby to see who can kick a tramp in the face long enough before their specially trained hobo collapses unconscious.

The vagrant remaining aware of the oppressive gloom of the oddly minimalist studio around him the longest receives a slap-up one course meal and a warm bed for the night in a local hostel of their choice, whilst the comatose loser is uncermoniously (and hilariously!) coated in ‘gunge’, rolled up in a carpet and flung in the canal, where lucky audience members are invited to hurl rocks at him from Edmonds’ own after-show party boat, custom made with a pauper catapult mounted on the stern.

Renowned for the breathtaking topiary around his Crinkley Bottom mansion, local rseidents were angered recently by the addition of a new centrepiece to the grounds consisting of a 20-storey holly bush carved into the shape of his own head. Thus Noel’s only friend is a mysterious and shadowy landscape gardener whom he telephones during every show for no reason other than loneliness. In our portrait, the forlorn presenter receives the heartbreaking news that some no good punk kids are defecating into the beard section of his leafy masterpiece and filming the results on their mobile phones.

trinny and susannah

Having outstayed their welcome with television audiences across the country, the two headed fashion gorgon that is Trinny and Susannah recently followed in the hallowed footsteps of Lenny Henry by decamping to another continent less prepared for their indefensibly shallow antics.

Pictured above live from Chad, the pair have decided to seek inspiration from “the original pioneers of boho-rag chic” across the famine stricken regions covered by ‘Trinny and Susannah’s African Safari’, a special show to be broadcast on Christmas Day, around turkey-time.

“I’d just die to know how they all stay so thin” screeched Sussanah while poking a local in the ribs with a stick, with Trinny adding “Well, you are what you eat” whilst scarfing down a handful of limp shrivelled horsemeat dressed in a Dolce and Gabbana lettuce poncho.

jo brand

Globular funny girl Jo has been tickling the nation’s funnybone for nearly 70 years after bursting into the spotlight as ‘OOH, Matron!’ in the madcap ‘Carry on Nurse’ series of classic British comedies. Refining her natural comic skills for the controversial stand-up scene of the Eighties, we see here the comedienne’s trademark withering glare whilst delivering a signature caustic monologue on the subect of, pffff, I dunno, cakes or something.

Seeking greater respect as an artist, later forays into serious drama culminated in the recent three part thriller ‘Fork Knifes Spoon’ for ITV, featuring Jo as a hard-bitten detective with a shadowy past investigating the shocking disappearance of a diamond encrusted fish pie and framed for eating the evidence by spherical culprit Dawn French. It was a ratings disaster.