russell crowe
Beware low-flying telephones! We present for your delectation fiery antipodean beefcake Russell Crowe, captured here in rough ‘n’ ready meathead mode on the set of his new self-financed follow-up to personal career peak Gladiator, currently in production on his own ranch on the side of Ayers Rock.
With a script also penned by the notoriously aggro prone Aussie, the plot sees hero of the original Marcellus Deciduous Maximus Abacus reincarnated from some DNA found glued to a lion’s paw dug up in a dystopian post-apocalyptic outback 6000 years in the future, a setting in which scant survivors engage in bare-knuckle combat against fearsome mutated beasts in order to win a ham roll and a two-finger KitKat with only one finger.
With tight budgetary constraints precluding the use of expensive special effects, director Crowe bred the future-beasts on his own farmland. Named ‘the Unihorn’ and created by forcing a rhinoceros to mate with a miniature pony at gunpoint, the creatures have already been dubbed ’sick’ and ‘an abomination of nature’ by animal rights hysterics.The climactic scene of the movie is rumoured to be a cinematic tour-de-force; a relentlessly unpleasant montage of Crowe punching the animals in the face for 3 full hours and screaming, filmed from a seemingly infinite array of camera angles, each more disorientating than the last.
‘Gladiator 2: Abomination of Nature’ is due to clatter into a bargain bin near you sometime in ‘the fall’.