tom cruise
Few could have been surprised when the supposed offspring of Tom and Katie’s happy union, Suri Cruise, was recently revealed to be nothing more than an animatronic doll thrown together in a desperate attempt to wrongfoot the slavering paparazzi hordes. After all, Tom had only debuted his new cybernetic eye, glimmering so eerily inour exclusive picture, during his triumphant return to the Oprah show, mere months before the child’s ‘birth’.
Ironically, the loss of his original peeper was incurred as a result of an over-exuberant bout of sofa surfing with his good buddy Steven Spielberg, whose suggestion it was to use the same robotics wizards employed on his 1971 smash hit ‘E.T.’ to create the child from some leftover pistons, gears and latex.
Contolled by an infra-red beam emitted by Tom’s occular implant, the cat was let out of the bag when the ‘Impossible Mission’ star’s gaze was distracted from the infant during a press conference called to celebrate the child’s presentation to the media, little clockwork Suri crawling into a wall before performing a back flip and travelling back in the direction whence she’d came, yapping away like a cheap toy.